Asking someone to go out on a date can be nerve-racking. But there are several ways to go about it that may make it easier for you.
Men do most of the asking, but women sometimes do so as well although their approach is usually stealthy. I find it unappealing when a woman asks me out for a date directly. I prefer a subtle, classy approach.
If a woman asks me out directly, I may be somewhat flattered by her request, but at the same time, I get red flag warnings in my gut that she’s either loose, aggressive, or both. These traits are a turn off for me and I believe they are for most men as well.
I also think part of the reason for my resistance to a direct approach by women is the innate need in males to chase. The chase is arousing. If I’m able to catch a woman too easily or she throws herself at me, it’s a turn off. I feel it’s the same for some women but for different reasons.
I should mention that some men do like aggressive women who boldly ask them out. And there are some men who like an approach somewhere between. As long as it’s legal, whatever lits your fire is okay. If you’re unsure about which approach you should use or accept, just stay true to yourself and do not try to fake it.
Please don’t confuse tactfulness and assertiveness with being forward and aggressive. A woman or a man who is tactful and assertive in the way they ask someone out is positive because it’s intelligent and courageous. A man or a woman who is forward and aggressive in the way they ask someone out is negative because it’s selfish and forceful.
Here are four strategies for asking someone out for a date.
Asking a person to go out directly means that you simply tell them you want to take them out on a date without beating around the bush or any subtleties. Asking a person to go in this way has several advantages. By being direct, there is no ambiguity. They clearly understand what you want. Here’s the great thing about being direct. Whether they agree to go out with you or not, you’ve planted a seed.
If they say no for whatever reason, most of which has nothing to do with you, they’ll probably remember your request and they may act on it later. I’ve had this happen many times. I was pleasantly surprised to receive that phone call or knock on the door weeks or months later. 😀
The double direct means you ask a person to go on a date and you briefly describe your attraction to them. This only works if you’re sincere. If you’re just flattering them, your disingenuousness will be detected at some point. Being slutty or sexually suggestive usually backfires as well.
The double direct approach plants a potent seed surrounded by fertilizer. The key is to ask them for a date and describe how you feel about them in a straightforward, honest, tactful way. Then be silent with an attitude of no expectations. If they seem uncomfortable and unsure of how to respond, just tell them, “You don’t have to respond or say anything. I just wanted to ask and tell you how I feel.” Regardless of their response, if the seed germinates the reward could be awesome. I can tell you from personal experience that the reward can indeed be awesome!
By concentrating on planting seeds and not getting affirmative replies to your requests for a date, you take the pressure off yourself. You’ll also likely end up with more dates than you can handle once you’ve planted the entire field of possibilities. 😀
Asking a person to go out on a date indirectly means you ask them to join you in an activity that you want to do and suspect they may want to do as well. You might say something like, “I’m thinking about checking out that new coffeehouse. Would you like to go?”
The focus is on the activity that “you” want to do and not on the date. So technically, it’s not really a date. The person you’re asking may feel more comfortable with this casual approach and therefore more likely to accept your invitation. It also takes the pressure off both of you.
I find it works best if you pick an activity that you really want to do. One that even if they say no, you’d still want to do with a friend or even alone. By selecting an activity you’re excited about, your enthusiasm may entice them to go and it will also override any uneasiness about asking or being asked to go on a date.
A double indirect means you ask a person indirectly as described above, but instead of traveling to the destination together you ask them to “meet you” there. You might say, “I’m going to that new coffeehouse tomorrow morning. Would you like to meet me there?” This approach really takes the pressure off.
This works particularly well for a first date since you wouldn’t have to deal with the awkwardness of riding back together if things are not going well. If you’re getting dates online, I strongly recommend this approach for the first date.
No matter how you go about it, the most important thing is asking. If you don’t ask, the answer is always no. You’ll gain a little more courage and skill each time you ask someone out. Remember that you cannot intellectualize the courage you need to ask. If you’re afraid, you’ve got to go ahead anyway and ask. Then you’ll get another piece of courage. Soon you’ll be fearless!