Constantly trying to appease a lover’s insecurity (girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, or wife) only strengthens it. As it gets worse, more and more pacifying is required to quiet it. Finally, the person who is doing the appeasing will only grow more and more frustrated.
Examples of a Lover’s Insecurity
An insecure partner demands that their lover…
- Says “I love you” at the end of “every” contact.
- Goes with them to every place and event that they request.
- Spends a certain number of hours with them per day.
- Only socializes with certain people and only for a particular duration.
- Sends them a certain number of text or email messages per day.
- Calls them a certain number of times per day.
- Gives them a certain number of gifts, and at a particular value.
- Takes them on a certain number of dates and vacations.
Causes of a Lover’s Insecurity
- Low self-love
- Low self-worth
- Low self-esteem
- Low self-confidence
Having been cheated on or treated badly in a prior relationship is not a valid excuse for being insecure. If a person hasn’t dealt with it and regained their self-worth they should not be in a relationship.
Solution to Lover’s Insecurity
- Do not feed it.
- Do not react to it.
- Do not respond to it.
- Do not accept it as your problem.
- Take a compassionate stand.
- Let them know it needs to be handled now.
- Let them know that being their crutch will do them no good.
- Be kind, loving, and supportive, but resolved.
- Encourage them to face and deal with their insecurity.
- Encourage them to take full responsibility for fixing the problem.
- Allow them space and time to mature, grow, and develop.
- They will “either” accept responsibility for their insecurity or they will emotionally run from it.
- They may try to make you or someone else responsible for their insecurity.
- They may try to point out insecurities of yours — valid or not.
- They may try to make you the bad one.
- They may try to make you wrong.
- They may try to hurt you back.
- They may break up with you.
Having dealt with this issue several times, if I knew what I know today, I would just end the relationship if anything on the above list happened other than acceptance of responsibility. Not necessarily at that moment but soon in a kind way.
If they do not accept responsibility and take meaningful action to move past their insecurity, your relationship will be like riding on an emotional roller coaster. Only by getting off of it by breaking up can you regain your equilibrium. And your separation will give them the space to deal with their insecurity or just continue as they are now.
Why waste time in such a relationship when there are hundreds of potential partners out there that will almost certainly be a more compatible match?