Are you afraid to love again? If you’ve been deeply hurt it’s understandable. But it’s always possible with the high reward endeavor of loving someone. There are ways to avoid and limit the pain if things don’t work out, however.
Loving requires courage, so the rewards are plentiful. Not loving requires nothing, so the rewards are zero.
I have found that the amount of pain brought about by a breakup is often connected to issues inside us or of our own making. Once these issues are dealt with, a breakup’s ability to hurt you is greatly lessened. Here are some examples.
- Little Self-Love – If you have little or no self-love, it leads to self-depreciating compromise and an unhealthy reliance on being loved to feel some measure of love for yourself. If your partner withdraws their love, emotional devastation happens because you’ve lost your source of feeling good about yourself.
- Low Self Esteem – If you have low self-esteem and it causes you to connect your self-worth to having a romantic partner or being loved, then the loss could be extremely painful and long-lasting.
- Poor Behavior – If you lied to, hit (man or woman), acted inappropriately due to alcohol or drugs, then there is no one to blame except you, which can be very painful.
- Unfaithfulness – If you were unfaithful during a relationship where a commitment to be faithful was understood, then your pain would likely be from guilt!
- Let Yourself Go – If you gained a lot of weight or allowed yourself to become psychologically weak, then the loss would be particularly painful because the blame would be squarely on you and there would be no quick fix.
- Took Them For Granted – If you got lazy about your manners (courtesy), grooming, or attentiveness, then you have caused your pain.
- Became Big Headed – If you graduated from college, passed the bar exam (lawyer), or got a big promotion at work and it blew up your ego to where you felt you now deserved a better boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse, then the pain would be excruciating once you realize what you lost.
The key to avoiding or limiting the pain if a partner suddenly leaves you is clear. Make sure you are not doing any of the above by establishing positive habits that take you in the opposite direction. Most importantly, work on developing a strong, healthy, and sustainable self-love and self-esteem.
Few things can cripple you more after a breakup then preexisting low self-love and low self-esteem. It’s likely that low self-love and low self-esteem may have been the underlining cause of the breakup. Therefore, you can see how important it is to have these areas strong “before” you start a romantic or even a non-romantic relationship.
Here is an additional method for controlling or eliminating the fear of loving again. All of them involve creating a mindset “before” dating or building a relationship.
- Proper Perspective – Remember that there are at least 100 other people who would be as good, or more likely, a better match than a person who doesn’t want to be with you. Forget about the notion of a particular person being the “only one” for you. Forget about the notion that the relationship “should be forever.” Neither is rational thinking.
- Positive Attitude – Become an eternal optimist. Be a person who always looks for and expects a positive outcome for themselves even when disappointments happen. If a relationship ends, know that your grieving will be brief and you’ll begin again better than you were before and find a better girlfriend/boyfriend or spouse.
- Let Go – Let go of the expectation of society and, most importantly, yourself that a romantic relationship is necessary for you to be happy. The truth is that until you find peace and contentment alone you’ll always fear the idea or reality of being alone. Let go and find strength in being yourself and loving yourself regardless of your circumstances. The greater the severity of your circumstances, the greater the opportunity to gain the strength needed to let go and be truly free!
- Get Strong – Get your body, mind, and spirit strong! Do whatever it takes to “feel” satisfied with yourself in these areas. Just successfully getting through the first month of your self-reinvention plan will greatly increase your strength. Become unbreakable and unstoppable to become remarkable.
To live being afraid to love again robs you of your joy and the opportunity to become anew and attract a better partner than ever before. The more courageously you live the better your partners, relationships, and loves will be.