When you’re nervous about an upcoming date, how often have you been told, “Just be yourself!” It’s easy for people to offer such advice, especially those who have been on a lot of dates and those who already have a partner.
I’ve mentioned the importance of being yourself on dates in several articles and extensively in my book, “Finding the One Who’s Right.” Its importance is not difficult to understand. Doing it is.
For me, especially during my early years of dating, there have always been two forces pulling me in different directions. The logical force that sounds a commanding voice in my head saying, “Just be yourself!” And that insecure and sexually eager force that is trying to impress the lady to “win” her over.
When the insecure and sexually eager force prevailed, I almost never won the girl over. In fact, I unusually lost horribly with varying degrees of humiliation depending on how foolish I acted.
For most men and some women, this means being too pushy, trying too hard, and being inappropriately sexually suggestive. Our insecurities and lack sexual/emotional control lead us to this behavior.
Here’s the trick to moving the pendulum way over to being “mostly” yourself. The challenge is that it’s counterintuitive. The trick is to get yourself into a state of not being overly concerned about the “outcome” of the date.
You remove the concern by putting the date into the proper perspective and not a distorted one. This means keeping your thoughts fixed on the fact that there are thousands of possibilities for perhaps an even better, more fulfilling match with someone else. To have an “all or nothing” attitude about one date is not reasonable. Actually, it’s crazy no matter how you feel about them at the time. It’s this attitude that puts you into a distorted mindset and drives foolish behavior.
Remember that it is a numbers game. There are billions of people on our planet. To get yourself into a place of believing that the person you are going to go out with is the best and only person who will cross your path is illogical thinking. There has to be a least a few hundred suitable matches for you on this planet. That’s what you must keep in mind. And there is always “self-gratification” 😀 if your needs are great and things do not look too promising.
The result of keeping the “numbers” in mind is a carefree and unconcerned attitude that allows you to “just be yourself.” This is a valuable habit worth the effort of acquiring.
Here’s some motivation. A date who is trying too hard, being too nice, and being too “easy to get” is unattractive. A date who is unconcern, relaxed, and slightly aloof but courteous, enjoyable, and attentive is attractive and sexy.