That tragic story out of Santa Barbara, California about Elliot Rodger murdering people because he couldn’t get a girlfriend reminds me of the fact that you can’t force love.
I know that it’s an extreme example and that he had other medical and psychological issues. However, this case is unique because of the video he made. It shows a desperate, self-centered, insecure young man whose loneliness and feelings of rejection turned into a psychotic rage. I don’t know all the facts as of this writing, but this is how I see it.
The reasons he couldn’t find a girlfriend are not uncommon. And neither is the pain it can cause. The way he dealt with it, of course, was insane!
Men and women of that age are particularly vulnerable due to their raging hormones and intense peer pressure. And this is happening while they are struggling to find their place in the world. They often conclude that by their early twenties they should have developed the ability to find a girl/boy friend.
It’s true that many have had a few boy/girl friends by that age, but some have not. They may be late bloomers. Some late bloomers emerge later as diamonds from the rough. If you are one of them, I encourage you to give yourself all the time you need. Do not let anything or any person push you or define for you what you should be doing at any particular age. Go at your own pace. Be unique. Become your own man or woman first!
I was a late bloomer in a sense. Although I had “girlfriends” during the latter part of elementary school and beyond, I did not have any relationships with women until I was in my 20’s. And I didn’t have any “meaningful” relationships with women until I reached my 30’s. The things that made the difference for me were maturity, self-confidence, and the fact that I picked the women rather than allowing them to pick me.
Picking is crucial! It’s important because if you are not doing the picking you’re probably settling for a person who falls short of your dreams. You may meet the criteria of the perfect partner for the other person, but they likely would not meet yours.
Here’s why many young men and women have trouble finding a girlfriend or boyfriend. Many of them applied to me in my early years.
- They are pushy. No one likes to be pushed. When people feel pushed, they resist and push back.
- They are desperate. Being desperate to find a dance partner, a date, or boy/girl friend is a huge turn off.
- They are self-centered. Their parents have spoiled them, so they expect others to treat them in the same way.
- They feel entitled. They believe they are entitled to have a boy/girl friend without much effort on their part.
- They have a bad attitude. A negative attitude is a major turn off to both lovers and friends.
- They are arrogant. Their low self-esteem causes them to act conceited.
- They don’t do the work to be attractive. They have problems with their teeth/breath, they wear unflattering clothes, or they are overweight or out-of-shape yet they expect others to find them attractive.
The solution is to get rid of all the above. Here’s how.
- Pushiness – Learn to detach yourself from the outcome of asking a person to dance or for a date. You can do this reminding yourself that there are thousands of others who are as good or a better match for you.
- Desperation – Develop an “I don’t care if this works out because I will eventually succeed attitude.” A person with a mindset like this is sexy. This does not mean that you are not polite and charming because it’s important that you are. But you must be real and not acting. The realness comes with practice.
- Selfish – If your parents spoiled you and you still live with them or you are closely connected to them, move out, get away, and become your own person. Selfishness makes even the best-looking person ugly. Focus on giving and not getting. Become interested in others for what you can learn and for ways you can help. Become a server but not a servant.
- Entitlement – The day you realize that there are no entitlements in life, is the day you reach adulthood or full maturity. In a sense, these things can happen at any age. Once you achieve this, your journey to success begins.
- Negativity – Start feeding your mind with positive things by reading or listen to uplifting books about the importance and benefits of having an optimistic outlook.
- Arrogance – This will dissolve as self-confidence increases. Self-confidence develops by going after goals to the end without letting any fears stop you. The most important parts are going forward even though you’re afraid and doing your best to the end. The only true failure is not trying and not finishing. Start with small, less important goals and build up to the big ones. Soon you’ll have an abundance of self-confidence. Keep in mind, however, that self-confidence at any stage requires “faith” in yourself and your own abilities.
- Unattractiveness – Get your body fixed, healthy, and fit and you’ll be inspired to do the same with your wardrobe. Here’s a powerful tip for getting the motivation you need to lose the weight, start an exercise program, or get your teeth fixed. This might sound a bit off-color, but the goal is to use this powerful emotion in a positive way. Here it is. Remember that the best revenge, comeback, or reinstatement is to get yourself looking and feeling awesome!
You can’t force love. But you can certainly create the conditions inside and outside yourself to attract, receive, and give it.