Are you picking your romantic partners or are they picking you? This is important if you continually find yourself with partners who are a bad match for you or fall short of fulfilling your needs.
Picking can happen at various points. These include…
- When you first notice them.
- When you first talk with them.
- During the first few dates.
- During the first few weeks of dating.
- During the first few months of your relationship.
The sooner you make a determination on whether a person is right for you the better. It’s much easier to end a relationship during the early stages than it is months or years down the road. If you allow any unhealthy factors to affect your decision, your choice will likely be a bad one. These factors include…
- Fear of being alone.
- Fear of not finding a new partner.
- Concern about what other people will think.
- Concern about how the person will deal with the breakup.
It’s best to go with the gut feelings (or intuition) you had about a person from the start as these are almost always correct. Having thoughts about how they will change or how you can change them is just wishful thinking. People rarely change unless they are highly motivated. Why waste your time on a fixer-upper? Invest in a mature, well-maintained, and refined one instead.
“Picking” in this context is the act of thoughtfully evaluating and then choosing whether to start, continue, or end a romantic relationship based on your ethics, plans, and needs.
People who do not do enough picking fall into these categories. They are…
- Immature & Ignorant
- Lacking Self Confidence
- Very Good Looking
- Dependent on Others
- Relying on Fate
Immature & Ignorant
Many people, especially those in their teens and early 20s, do not put much effort into picking their partners. I did this myself when I was a kid. My criterion for a girlfriend was a girl who liked me and was willing to let me be intimate with her. I wasn’t aware of the importance of compatibility and character issues like integrity. Later on, I discovered how crucial these things are.
Lacking Self Confidence
People who lack self-confidence and assertiveness are particularly susceptible to allowing or even relying on other people to pick them. They wait for someone to pick them since they do not have the confidence to do it themselves. These individuals often find themselves with partners whose needs are being met by them but their partner is not satisfying their needs.
Very Good Looking
Those who are blessed with above-average looks often let others do the work of picking. Potential partners frequently approach these people, so they can get lazy about devoting the effort to finding the most suitable partners on their own. Since good looks only help a person get noticed, they often find themselves in rocky relationships or alone when they do not do some picking.
Dependent on Others
Some people let friends and family members do the picking. No one is as well equipped to do the picking as you are. These well-meaning individuals simply do not have enough intricate information about you to make a good decision. So instead of picking a person who is a good match for you, it’s more likely that they will pick someone who is compatible with them.
Relying on Fate
Finally, there are those who rely on fate or circumstances to do the picking. This is the worst strategy of all because it does not use any filtering mechanisms and it can take a long time. People who rely on fate often allow others to do the picking as well. Dreaming is good, but without action, it’s pointless.
There are many advantages to picking your romantic partners to being picked. These include…
- A more harmonious and enjoyable relationship.
- A more supportive and productive relationship.
- A more loving and fulfilling relationship.
The difference between being in a relationship with a person you have carefully picked to being in one with someone who picked you is astounding. I can trace nearly every bad date and bad relationship to allowing another person to pick me even though I sensed that trouble was ahead. When I got serious about choosing a quality partner, the difference was dramatic.
You’ve probably heard this popular statement: “You’ve got to “work” at a relationship to make it successful.” I cannot help but believe that relationships that require “work” for them to survive were poorly matched at the start. When you are in a relationship with a highly compatible partner who you are in love with, there is no real “work” involved. There is only joyful labor. The best relationships are those where both partners have carefully picked each other. 🙂