If your lover has left you, should you try to get them back? In most cases, I’d say no! It doesn’t serve you to do so. I’ll explain later. There are, however, some specific situations where the effort to get a partner back is worthwhile.
You should try to get them back in these two situations.
- You have children together.
- You made a mistake and you are solely responsible for the breakup.
It’s obvious why the attempt to make amends is advisable when the future of your children is at stake or when you have made a serious mistake that led to the breakup. Your children are certainly worth the effort of trying to help your relationship succeed. I say “help” because a relationship can only succeed with “two” willing partners.
Notice I did not say, “Do the ‘work’ to make your relationship succeed.” If there isn’t enough love left between you to want to repair and improve the relationship, then staying together is futile and possibly harmful to your children. My point is that love has built-in incentives that do not resemble the tedium of work. If a relationship requires “work,” why bother. I know this goes against popular lexicon. I believe the concept of “working at a relationship” is a term created by psychologists to describe the process of couple’s therapy. I’d rather steer clear of that arena.
If you made a serious mistake, then it’s crucial that you own up to it for the sake of the relationship and yourself. If you don’t do this you’ll have to live with the “what ifs” and the “I should haves” for years. Your integrity will suffer as well. But if you admit to your mistake(s), seek forgiveness, and take action to earn back trust and respect, then you will have done the right things to preserve your relationship and your integrity.
All other situations where your lover has left you are usually not worth the effort of trying to get them back. If they decided to breakup with you, then any attempts to convince them otherwise would be foolish. It’s nearly impossible to change a person’s heart if they have already moved on. You can’t install your love or logic into another person. They have made a choice for whatever reason and you’re not included in it. Why should you sacrifice your dignity and fight to get someone back who has chosen not to be with you? This is especially true if they have chosen to be with someone else. It doesn’t get any clearer than that.
Their choice may be wise or it may be foolish. The responsibly for that choice is theirs and not yours. In less, of course, your poor choices caused them to leave. Then you must take responsibility for those choices.
This quote explains.
“If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don’t, they never were.” – Anonymous
So you see that letting go provides you with a clear-cut answer with no effort on your part. You’ll just have to give it some time. To make sure that you’re not left hanging indefinitely, tell them about “your” timetable for moving on. For example you might say, “I’m sadden by your decision, but I accept it. I need to let you know that I will give myself about 30 days to process our breakup before I move on.”
Here’s an inspiring fact that I’ve come to know over the years. If you continually remind yourself of this fact while you’re going through breakup withdrawal, it will give you some optimism about the future.
I have found that the next partner and relationship is usually better than the last. And they get better than the last each time. It’s a good thing to remember when you’re in pain. The challenge is in believing it will happen and that you will be in the right condition to bring it about.
If you choose constructive activities after your breakup that lead to personal growth, you’ll find yourself with a better partner and relationship whether you believe it’s possible or not right now. However, if you choose destructive activities like excessive drinking and retaliatory actions against your ex, you’ll very likely find yourself in a similar or worse relationship.
Most people waste a tremendous amount of time and energy trying to revive a relationship this is dead. It may come back to life down the road, but for now, it’s a thing of the past. Instead of beating yourself up and grieving about what once was, start shifting your focus toward the future. Begin making plans for improving yourself and your relationship skills. Take a few small steps toward your new goals today!
If on the other hand, you’re striving to get your lover back by taking actions to repair and improvement your relationship, set some goals for yourself and as a couple toward that end. Your objective should not be limited to just “getting along” but rather to taking your relationship to a higher level. This requires that you both grow. The goal is to achieve an atmosphere of harmony, productivity, and fulfillment in your relationship. Start this rewarding journey today!